i must be a freak! i dislike people so easily cos they talk to me all the time. i guess i'm really fickle. i need more attention, the more the better. i've probably been shooing those people who hadn't shunned me away. i'm dumb at reflexes. i don't know how to reach, what to say when something happens. i'll juz wait and wait and wait. perhaps waiting is the only thing i can do, but i'm not that good at it either. i get impatient and i shun away from people. hahh, that's dumb, i know, but somehow i do that alot, especially to guys. i guess what happened in the past sorta gave me a phobia of guys or something. i still talk to them, but i don't wanna be emotionally close to them. it freaks me out, really. especially when guys first act like they're interested, then the avoidant behaviour. it hurts alot! don't you know? if you're gonna shun away, then don't act interested! don't raise my hopes far above the clouds then drop it down to the deepest of the deepest. the hurt is one, and what about the broken heart? shattered into millions and billions of pieces, i can't bring them back together, no i can't. i wished i could. i thought i did. but no matter how well someone did a job of putting the puzzles back, it'll get shattered again, at the slightest quake. i don't think it can ever heal now, not ever, it'll all still haunt me. but i'm ok, i guess. i'm putting the pieces back together on my own this time round, not gonna rely on guys. i don't need them. i don't wanna be hurt again.. it hurts a whole darn lot. i think i'll probably die if it happens again. maybe i won't die literally, but what of my feelings? will i still be able to like someone? i lovee the thrill of liking someone, the ups and downs, but i can't ever commit to just one. i don't wanna be hurt. i'd rather forget first, then he can try hurting me in whatever way, i don't care, i won't care. i won't be hurt if i found out they've got someone, and i won't be happy for them either. welcome to my life! i know this is kinda what you'll call avoiding too, but this is a precaution to not ever be hurt again. i've got enough of it! and i swear i won't ever go into a relationship until i get over this problem. it won't be fair to him, it won't even be fair to myself. but again, flings are fine, i guess. not that i even go into them. i still have millions of crushes, but just crushes, nothing more. "why?" you might ask. will i even be happy? i know i won't, but at least i won't be sad. i hate being alone, i've always does. i like it when people are near me, to talk, to play, to occupy my thoughts with something else so i won't delve deeper into my own problems. being alone just gives me time to think, too much time. i'll probably go mad over thinking. i think i'm mad already, but again, noone cares. i'm strong, i can take care of myself, but why does my eyes go green with envy when i see someone being cared about? being cuddled by the one they love? being loved back by that dear someone? i don't know, i really don't. i probably am not over those daydreams about my prince charming riding on his white horse, flinging me off my feet, and brought me to a whole new magical world, belonging only to the 2 of us, and the childrens we were about to bear, the family we were about to raise. i don't even know whether i could find someone now, let alone this dream. i wanna tear it away, but i can't bear to. it's too sad even for me to bear.
shan't go into deeper details, i think i'll have a breakdown if i do :D no worries, i can keep up with the smiles, it's not fake, but it's not really real either. as in, i feel happy when i'm with people, but not exactly happy with all those feelings. heckk, it's so ambiguous. smiling is good, laughing is even better. that's why you see me laughing all the time. it's a drug for me, it keeps all my troubles away, maybe even more potent than alcohol. haha. talking about alcohol, i went for my first party last night, nono last morning :X as in drinking party. of course i'm not that dumb so as to drink, but was sorta forced to drink cos i hadn't drunk a single sip of alcohol. but the bacardi was fine, kinda nice actually. lol, poor dennis was forced to drink all the time, and all of them were like, "dennis be a man! drink it all up and you'll no longer be a boy" or "hey, drink it up, you're not dennis are you?!?" i guess that's what they call PEER PRESSURE. okayy, i'm mean too, i cooperated with them to make him drink more during the waterfall by changing seats with chin. haha. his face was like so red by 1pm and jay was still like trying to force him to drink. and i got to see lotsa people drunk, my first time seeing people drunk right in front of my eyes. i guess partying that way wasn't that bad, contrary to my previous belief. well it was my first time knowing some of them, but it was fun, undeniable! :D haha and i neva knew my bro could dance! whahahhaa. a real eye opener. and robby was like acting so funny when he's drunk, like trying to dance but can't dance. hahahha. it was a good cny xD hopefully the year of the dog will be sooo much better!
*say you love me