first of all, dodo!! i'm so sorry, i forgot to write the blog i was supposed to but i'll try to catch up with it kaee. love u n miss uuu :( hiiiks, i miss you, baba, mq, n the ij ppl. i missed all the times we wasted lieing to ah hock, scheming new excuses for skipping school, disiao-ing everyone, talking about food till we get really hungry, screaming around about our hunger till the teachers let us off, hanging out before flag raising, the always so fun n yummy class party at dodo's hse, hanging out at dodo's hse juz cos i'm plain bored, nagging at u to be more girly, to start wearing skirt, to pat on your head and make you fuss about it all day long, and i also miss your mom's cooking!
shuuu, eveeeeeeee, n all the st margs ppl. i miss you gals toooooo. :(:(:( i missed all our nonsense conversation about whatever rubbish that came to our mind, the endless movies we watched, the non-existant guys we dream and drool about, the crazyyyy weird things we did esp at sakae n macd, the "enjoying" briskwalk during recess to lose weight, the "i'm so fat, not i;m fatter" quarrel, the thrill of suanning each other, the too fussy to get anything cos there's one part of it we didn't like shopping trips, the saving money campaign, the shortest queue for recess, the laughing and mocking at teachers, gossiping about every single gossip that existed, the complaining and whining after every exam, the going to temples to pray for lots, the restaurant tasting and lotsa and lots and lots more of the super duper fun things we did!
gosh, i'm feeling so nostalgic all of a sudden. was just cruising through friendster cos i finally decided to dump my dearest homework and go on a kay-pohing scheme, then started seeing all the names - one by one, the memories of all the good times i've had these past 8 years just rushed back. and it's chinese new year!! i sooo miss everyone, gosh, i;m homesick! i've been too used to at least seeing pama and yuyu all these years, and going around to get ang paos, but there's no more of such event this year. and no more getting nagged to keep my room clean and stuff. look at the rubbish piled up in it, everywhere. it's practically so darn colourful you'll go blind when you step into it. clothes of different colours and textures are on the carpet, bed, closet, door knobs, tables, chairs - you name it, you've got it. and where is the cny mahjong session that was held in qian's hse few yrs back, the getting ready for eve's bday and racking our brains over what to get her. and there's still school till evening every single day, which means ano day of laming around with 4/6 ppl or talking nonsense with the 2/2 ppl. how nostalgic! thinking about it now, and comparing it with my current plight, i am depressed, for some reason. life's not as exciting as it used to be, not like i ever found it interesting, but i wanted life to revert back to the way it was, okay some parts unchanged.
why do i even feel this way? didn't i used to enjoy hanging out with my buddies here so much last time that i even forgot what day it was and stuff? didn't i used to feel that this is where i belong? maybe that was all an illusion. but how could i sound so happy when i talked about my life here? hey, hold on a minute. don't i always sound excited when i'm telling a story of my life? don't i always enjoy it? eventhough i feel happy when i'm talking about it, i don't think i am when i am living this life. i think i sound like a psychzophrenic, but i assure you i am still sane, at the time being. maybe it's just this immense loneliness i'm feeling, like noone's there for me. how do i say it? hmmm, let's start from cien2 getting attached and all. i've always been very supportive of friends getting attached, even went to the extent of trying to matchmake people together. i feel happy when they become a couple, but somehow, eventhough i know that i'm wrong, i can't help but feel i've lost a friend. especially with her case since there are sooo few girls here at purdue, and i never could really feel very at ease with just anyone. till date, those people who successfully managed to break through my barrier are probably only shu, eve, mich, baba, dodo, mq, bobbyn cien2. not t i can't talk to other people, i just can't bring out that entire truth about me. i don't know, i just can't. i get along pretty well with people superficially, but i don't feel that emotional attachment to them. that's something i just figured out recently actually. i've always thought that i was pretty outgoing, actually, quite a number of people felt that way. but there were exceptions, those people could grasp me pretty well, even better than what i understand of myself actually. i think's i've always been confused, just that i couldn't figure it out myself. ahh whatever, whoever cares about you here gita, just shut up, you've already left those who were willing and what are you whining about now? i'm probably nuts i know, but laughing is the only thing that keeps me sane, though that's why people usually say i'm insane. gahh, whatever, i'm so disappointed in everything. i wish i could start anew. if only so many things didn't happen. would i still have faith in love? i know i still do in friendship. but unlike the me from the past, i go for lust more than love now. is this that thing robert called avoidance? maybe i should seek counsel help. i think i'm depressed. maybe there's really something very wrong with me. could someone prove me that it's not that fearful to love? i'm so sick of changing crushes and never getting serious, avoiding it when people are in the least bit interested. just what is wrong with me? i know it's partly cos i don't wanna be hurt, i also know that this is not the way to go about doing things, but i can't help it. i'm no longer restraining myself from trying to be interested, but i seem to be too interested and the life span of that interest is really short. sometimes i wish i could just fall in love. as in really meet that other half of mine and just get down to relationship and not get distracted by this really hot guy who comes walking past the very next second. ahh, something is definately wrong with me!!! and i'm going nuts if i continue writing this further so i'll just shut up, for good now. :) good riddance to gita. hip hip hooray!
*say you love me