it's been a month since i last updated, been trying really hard at everything, from socialising and adapting to the new life, the new environment. it really is different. and it really was a torture at times, wanting to find someone to have a heart-to-heart talk with but couldn't cos i haven't really met anyone i could really open up to. keeping it inside all these while was really the worst thing that have ever happened to me. i think my whole personality's been altered, as though i'm shutting everyone off from my world. this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing, that i know. i told that to mich when she confided that she'd feel guilty if she's having fun with her new friends. i told her that making new friends doesn't mean you're gonna forget the old ones. but what have i been doing? i subconsciously shut everyone away from my world. whatever happened to the loud, noisy, irritating gita everyone used to know? i seemed to have lost myself. never felt like this before, wanting to be alone, to keep everything to myself when sharing had been my greatest pleasure.
ahhh, shouldn't be talking about all these. anyway, lost my way and ended up walking for an hour today, simply because my idiotic bro didn't pick up his phone and i got fed up, as usual...lost my way thrice in fact, how wonderful. sweet! and it was sucha cold day! don't wanna go into the details, driving me nuts! just ignore whatever i'm gonna write below. words of depression. don't bother reading, just scroll to the next para!
today, i learnt...
no matter how hard you bit your lips
the tears that were already welling up in your eyes
will flow...
and no matter how hard you try to hold it back
it will still fall
tears can never flow back
no matter how much you tilt your head
it will only flow the opposite way
tears destined to fall will indefinately fall
today, i learnt...
how long has it been since i last cried? certainly not when i left. perhaps i was numbed. then what was the factor that triggered it? i miss all of you guys, that's for sure. i was mad with my brother, that's a fact. and i heard "mr lonely", after such a long long time. and i began to look around, but there was nobody around. wherever i looked, it was emptiness. just like the surrounding, i felt so alone. i've got you guys, i pacified myself over and over again. then another voice deep inside retorted, "so what? are they here now? look around you NOW, noone is there". the next few songs that they played didn't help either, they all reinforced the very fact that im all alone now; they reminded me of all the good times we've had together and when i thought about the life i'm currently living in, i was so frustrated! why can't i have the good times i used to have? why am i feeling this way? why why why? i must sound like a psycho now, pschyzo perhaps? but i'm still mentally sane! no worried about that. just have to reorganize myself, and try harder at being me.
actually feels so much better after i cried it out. now i feel like i can try again! but is there still that chance? haiii. never mind, there's always next term. right now, all i have to do is concentrate on the 3 exams on mon and one on tues. haiii.
*say you love me