i made this big big discovery! i guess it's the mind over heart thing. somehow my heart don't ache, i don't think it ever did, it's just the sudden emptiness and constant longing for and thinking about him that bothers me now. maybe i've never loved him after all! that's a great thing, means noone has ever moved my heart these past 2 years or so. i guess it's just this something in him that made me think about him over and over again and making him run through my mind. if there was anything, it would be the first time he told me that our birth months are the same and hp numbers were almost identical and we both love anime thing. it was as though he was interested. being the indecisive, easily swayed and flattered me, i sub-consciously thought that he was interested and despite my many times self-reminding that it's only my wishful thinking, i can't stop thinking about him! okay, this is getting so confusing. lols. but i guess he was too tired of running through my mind and perhaps i didn't give him enough space of his own. so partly, it was my fault, again. or rather, mostly, it was my fault. but he didn't have to lead me to think that he was interested, so it was also his fault. i am not trying to push the blame here, and i don't hate him since he never exactly verbalized it or anything, but deep down inside, it just kinda....feels sour. yes, that's a very good word to describe it, cos i don't feel pain, perhaps a little bitterness. after some talking it out session, i realized it's almost similar to the previous case, just that it was all properly accounted for the last time round. and i don't feel that bitter about it anymore. perhaps it was just me wanting to find someone i could love.
the love of wanting to be in love, as well-defined by ms wong years ago. i shouldn't have experienced it by this age but i guess i still did. haha! okay, it's over now, i'm never gonna entertain such thoughts anymore. being in love is bitter, unless if you know the other person's in love with you too, as in definately sure, defined as, "
he clearly stated that he liked you" and not based on some mere assumption. but again, it's irritating to be loved by the person you don't love. yes yes, love's supposed to be a simple thing but i'm complicating it, curse me! i doubt anyone knows what i'm talking about, sorry, just had to put my thoughts in words and organize myself. i don't need guys to survive! yeap, i will be strong, even if i'm alone. hafta remind myself, "
sometimes there'll be times when there'll be noone to pick you up when you're in the dumps, but you hafta pick yourself up", and that's all it takes to be independent. i will not, again, i repeat,
will not, must not, ought not, cannot depend on anyone else, ever again.gita, be strong, you can do it! i'm sure you can do it since it's you we're talking about here. time does heal. there are times when you'd feel like the world's crumbling and there'll be no tomorrow, times when you just feel like it's the end, i can't move on anymore, or this will forever leave a scar, but those are what you feel at that point of time. you have to let go, leave unhappiness where happiness left you and take a step forward, step by step, seconds by seconds, days by days, the more steps you take away from the unhappiness, the less you'll feel about it, and soon you'll be able get over it. it doesn't matter even if you take a step back, reminisce a little, think where you've gone wrong, cry a little, but remember, if you take a step back, take 2 steps forward, and you'll eventually move on :) i think this is the wisest thing that ever came from me. be proud of me, my fellow mates! i hope, even after this, we could be the friends we once were, without these rude replies and everything. i know we could, we just need time.
by the way, i really want to quit school now, i'm so sick of doing homework and getting pressurised by tests that won't even be counted, but i know daddy won't allow me. :( but i really want to quit! at least i don't wanna attend all the tutorials, which freaks me out at times cos i can't be bothered to do the homework and minor things like that. someone provide me a list of things i could skip school/leave early for! though i'm quitting halfway, i don't really wanna create so much trouble cos seriously, i think the teachers ain't that bad, though i tend to enjoy complaining about them and quarrel back, don't wanna add on to their burdens. hees, i'm not that hopelessly evil kay! >:( that smiley face is so cute. LOL
i almost burnt down my kitchen! i just remembered that i was boiling some water to cook my spaghetti noodles about 30min ago. yes, 30 minutes, thank god my kitchen's still intact. and thank god again that i haven't dropped the noodles in yet, so no big deal, nothing's burnt, the water that was initially there was reduced to a fifth. hohohohos! eating does make me feel a whole lot better, but i'm gonna gain weight. nvm, there's PE tmr, so i can shed some weight. heees
*say you love me