--*love is a simple thing; you either love or you don't.

haii. i hate smokers. but, why do ppl arnd me smoke? my frens. those who means something to me. why do they choose the path of smoking. all said the same thing, "stress". my question is, does smoking help you relieve the stress? yeah, maybe it does for a while. but how abt the long run? it brings nothing but sadness. dun they noe tt it seriously hurts, to have frens arnd u smoking and ruining their own life? when you just sit there, staring at them helplessly, trying to discourage them from smoking. but they just refused to listen. it hurts terribly! yeahh, i noe im being sensitive again. but eventhough i tend to be hard on the outside, doesn't mean i feel nothing. wad ppl arnd me do affects me, badly.

first it was him. yeah lemuel. it was already bad enough. considering how much i cared for him. he noes tt i care, but he doesn't care about how i feel. if he does, i hope he wouldn't smoke. or at least apologize when he does, like what he always do in the past. yeah i noee, there's no reason for him to do that. i'm not his girlfriend or wadsoeva. but, can't he do that, for a friend? at least, if i were him, i'd do just that for a friend. i mean, what more can you ask for than a friend? that's what i feel.

now, its jeremy. yeah my lao ah ma. sometimes its true that i find him a nuisance. but still, i consider him a friend. constinctively, i feel hurt when i found out that he smokes and drinks to relieve his stress. i'd rather that i know nothing about it. i'd rather that i'd be kept in the dark. yes yes, i noe im being naggy again. but i don't wanna noe all these. smoking doesn't help, it kills! i wish that they'd realise that what they're doing is wrong, and thus, quit smoking. i wish upon a star.

it's quite a relieve that gabriel er zi promised me tt he won't ever smoke. at least i noe he won't hurt me like the way lam and he did. i noe im oversensitive. but is it a crime to care for a friend?

this brings me to another issue. i've been keeping it to myself lately. i didn't dare to speak it out. as some of you should noe. i've been mentioning abt him especially alot nowadays. didn't noe why. for some time, i thought i got over him already. but now, i guess not. my maid told me that i was sleep talking in the morning. mumbling things like, "lemon, lemon, come back...", "i'll wait for you forever", etc.. hopefully she don't know what's going on. orelse i'll be dead. i don't know. hafn't been thinking abt it lately. haii. some ppl told me to just tell him how i feel. i told them i'd try, but i didn't. cos i've tried. and what do i get? just a mere, "sorry, i didn't mean it", "forget me", and some other unhelpful remarks. i noe he didn't mean it. but i wish he'd say something else. like at least appreciate the fact that i still love him. i noe he won't say that. so i'd just act. continue acting as though i feel nothing. noticed that i've been dazing alot lately? im thinking back. memories gushed back. many "i wish" and "if only" flashed through my mind. but everything came back to a nil. there was nothing at all left. its all just plain memories. memories. maybe i'll never get over it, maybe i'll never forget them. i wanna embrace it dearly in my arms, as though it was my own life. i wish i wish i wish.

sometimes, i'd dream about the day when he'd just say that i still have a place in his heart. what would i do then? would i patch with him? or would i just want to remain as friends? i seriously have no idea. thought about the pros and cons. i still can't come up wif a solution. but i do have a conclusion: it will never happen.

not to worry about me. i should be alright by tmr. just need some time to myself. to think through things. since i've left it hanging there for quite some time. i need to tidy up some thoughts. i should be alright. (:

*say you love me